Rare Beneath

The trick to loving life is not to think about life at all. 

It seems to me now that the saddest people are the philosophers.  They think too much… and forget to live.

But when your life is full of movement, of change and challenge, your heart is fuller… and the old emptiness is forgotten.

Philosophers find no absolutes. Because the world is ever-changing and God loves change.  They will never find any definite answers, because there are both none and too many.  It is futile to continue a quest that never ends.  There is no triumph, no achievement, no purpose.

I do not want to be a philosopher anymore.  It made me want to kill myself. 

It’s time to be a ‘live-r’ and a lover.

All the pages of life change like the seasons.  Today I’m in love with life.  A few months ago I was  ready to throw my soul to the infernal depths of death. 

When something matters to you, you have a desire to live.  But when everything that used to matter loses meaning and importance, your identity is lost as well.

My faith, before this new life, was the only thing that mattered to me.  When I lost my unquestioning faith in the God they believed in, I forgot to care.  But now my faith is renewed, though I have to mark that it is a different faith.  It is a worshipful faith, a reverent faith, but it is also a humane faith.  A realistic faith.  It is a faith in the true essence of God, not according to what I am told but through the discovery of His soul in me. 

I may not be like others who try to convince other people of God’s saving grace, but I cannot do what they do.  Because I do not believe wholly in the kind of faith they have.  I do not conform to their kind of faith.  If they call their faith a revolution, then it is  like most revolutions, its people are people who do not ask, only believe.

My God is a God of intelligence, of curiosity, of change.  My God is a God of balance, of imbalance, of possibility and impossibility.  My God knows what hate means, because it cannot exist without love.

My God is the source of all things, the reason of all things.  He is love.  And like love, He is the source of fear and anger and hatred; of beauty and peace and truth.  Because one only hates or hates extremely if what they love is threatened.  We act only to protect what we love. 

It is when we do not care that true evil shows its face.  It is when we find no meaning in anything that we lose everything that matters.

I’ve been there.  I’ve once forgotten everything that should have mattered.  Prepared to release my life by my own hand.  Till I remembered that I once knew how to love.  God stayed my hand not because I was unprepared, but because it wasn’t my time.  And now I’m in love with life again.

I’ve lost that extreme show of hyperactivity and extreme joy.  I’ve become more mellow.  I still laugh freely, but there is a distinct difference.  My laughter no longer has a psychotic ring to it.  It’s more natural now, and truer to my heart.

I’m letting go of many things that I used to love deeply… like SOD… M… P.. H….. And it makes me sad.  But they are no longer a consistent part of my life.  One day I’ll see them again.  But they probably won’t recognize me or the "me" they once knew. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I love you Jesus.  My deliverer.   My sculptor.  The true love of my life.  I call You Jesus.  Others give you other names.  But they mean the same thing.  You are the same forever, yet You ceaselessly change.  Hallelujah.

It’s true, what they say about regret.  It comes at the end of a lost chance.

I feel as if I’ve lost so many things in my life.  I’ve let go of special people, neglected important things, lost essential feelings…

I no longer feel connected to the UP world I once loved so much.  I still have many UP friends and we still communicate with each other, thanks to Globe Unlimitxt, but I have lost the feeling of belonging to every organization I was once a member of.

While most of my UP friends, especially SOD people, keep that special intimate bond of friendship, I, am cast away… out of sight and mind.  No matter what my friends may say, my distance from them lessens any intimacy we once shared.  I can always come back.  But the price is high.

To be completely honest, I cannot share SOD’s absolute faith.  I have too much respect for other beliefs, other forms of faith.  I cannot imagine that the Almighty Father, whose love encompasses all can throw the spirits of Muslims into Hellish inferno, simply because the path they chose was not the way of Jesus.  There are many Muslims who love and respect others, do good for others, and have deep devotion to the one they call Allah; many of them are more worthy of heaven than some Christians.  I cannot vow to try to change other people’s faith because they differ from mine.  I would rather look for similarities in our beliefs and thus solidify our connection as humans who love, than see ourselves as races divided.

Anyway, I’ve lost track of my original idea.