Disjointed Incongruity
There are a thousand things I wish to say. Yet when the moment comes for me to say or write them, I lose the ability to articulate them. My mind begins to fly or rather, flee, and that has been my special struggle.
It is cathartic for me to simply write as my mind unravels, so I allow myself this luxury. But the thoughts that come to me are of no consequence to anyone. But neither do I care for anyone else’s thoughts. This may be wasted space, even for me, but then thousands have wasted even more space with even more insignificant, even pathetic, pitiful drivel.
However, today, I seek to plumb greater depths. I have something in my heart that I wish to say. I have longed to say this for years. Perhaps I have spoken and written of this in many ways, many times already, but today, like all days, is special and unique.
I know that my usual rambling is comprehensible to an incredibly limited few. But those who are trying to look for excellence in this collection of disconnected mutterings will be fabulously disappointed.
This is my hour of healing. Or maybe, my thirty minutes. Odd, strange, lunatically inclined though my words sound, I, according to my arguably acceptable standards, am completely sane.
So, those who beg to differ may keep their contradictory thoughts to themselves. I allow myself to have this time of disjointed freedom. I am neither abusive of such a freedom and neither do I curtail anyone of any of theirs, no matter what kind of freedom they may have; thus, it is completely logical and philosophical to continue my rambling.
Having said my piece, or perhaps they are better called pieces, scattered pieces, I now find myself at a singular loss for anything more to say.
Those who wish to find any specific things that have been happening to me will need to make a more direct approach, like call me or send me a message. Because this blog is not the kind that declares the story of my life for all and sundry. Instead you will find here the endless confusing conviction of all my thoughts.
But if you need someone as completely crazed as I seem to be, well then… go to an asylum. I’m not the answer to your problems.
For so long I have followed my own will in all things. This has lead my father to believe that I am hopelessly selfish. Well, I am. In some ways, my own and myself are the only things that I sometimes consider important.
But there are a few exceptions. One of them is my job. And a few friends.
I believe now that love is a state that none of us ever truly maintain. At least, not the kind of love that pathetic songs and cheap pocketbooks ceaselessly spout.
I now trust in absolutely no one. Not my family, for whom I will always carry a certain measure of affection and obligation. Not any of my lost and prattling friends, though I can always ask them for help. Not anyone.
It is for the simple reason that I have accepted that none of these people will understand me the way I wish and the way I would hate to be understood. Simply put, I am unlike everyone as everyone is unlike everybody else. (Though I’m not sure if that was really ’simply put’.)
It is often hard to be the only one in a friendship who understands the other. So, in a silent way, I have stopped trying to show how much I understand and merely assume a kind of disgusted and contemptous manner to living things that do not stand upon the lofty perch of my condescending wisdom.
Ahhhh… Now, that is true catharsis.
I’ve cleaned my mind of the rubble. It feels good to smile again. ^-^
